If you were to observe my husband and I, some ideas that may initially cross your mind might be that we willingly accept help from one another when needed, communication between us never results in conflict, or perhaps that stepping into our roles as a loving husband and respectful wife came without any struggle.
My husband and I were good friends before we married. We got along extremely well and had a ton of fun together as best friends do. About a month before we said our “I Do’s” I remember having to attend a counseling class hosted by Tyler’s pastor. Sitting their side by side we listened to the pastor talk about what marriage looked like from a biblical standpoint. I recall being asked what my definition of marriage was. “Loving one another, being there for each other and being supportive,” I replied without hesitation. It must have taken the pastor a great deal of self-control to not say what he was genuinely thinking. Now as I sit here today, 7 years later I know the woman who sat in the pastor’s office hadn’t the faintest idea of what or how a marriage was defined, especially one that was intended to bring happiness and fulfillment to each other. Transitioning into our roles as husband and wife would prove to be more difficult than I would have ever imagined.
The first few years of our marriage were to both of our satisfaction. I think that is why people refer to these first few years as the “honeymoon phase,” we had no serious disagreements, and we were enjoying living together and going out on dates and so forth. To both of us, not much had changed after getting married. However, it wasn’t until the fourth year of our marriage, just a few months after our first daughter was born that we started to notice certain behaviors in one another that caused us to get frustrated. For myself specifically I frustrated Tyler by not submitting to his leadership in our marriage. I would make decisions without ever talking about it with him. Tyler would tell me he wanted to be included in the decision-making process which I found this extremely difficult to do.
One of our biggest conflicts stemmed from my decision to take on the responsibility of overseeing our finances. Not only did this cause me a ton of stress and possibly some of the gray hair I am starting to sprout. This was a role I decided to step into without ever having discussed it with Tyler. In doing so I failed to recognize that now as a husband and wife I wasn’t just living life on my own, Tyler and I were doing life together. This included deciding who would do what. Do I do all the cooking and cleaning? Does he handle finances and grocery shopping? However, now realizing that my compulsion to handle most of the responsibilities without including Tyler ended up creating a separation between the two of us. My way of taking care of everything meant that I never took into consideration what my husband thought about who and how we handled our lives.
Overtime without even realizing it we came to a point where our spending was almost more than we were making. Failing to have a talk about who was going to manage the finances heavily contributed to many verbal conflicts that occurred during our first few years of marriage. Every time Tyler would bring our financial situation to my attention, I would retreat and refuse to talk about it. Using the excuse, “It’s too late to talk about finances” or “Do we really have to do this first thing in the morning?” It was clear I wanted to avoid the topic. What was I getting so defensive about? Avoiding the fact that our finances were not being handled in the best way only led to less frequent checks on our bank account. In my mind our bills were being paid and we were both working so what’s there to monitor?
On one occasion Tyler logged into our bank account and saw that we were in the negative by $85 dollars. Sitting down beside me that morning he showed me what he was seeing. As shocked as he was, what was more surprising to me was his response. Expecting him to shame and guilt me he came alongside me and wanted to come up with a plan on how to help us get on the right track. Never once did he tell me how horrible a job I did or that I had in some way failed our marriage, which deep down is how I felt. As I sat there feeling embarrassed and ashamed of myself it was the way he chose to handle our struggle that made me sit back and realize that it was time to listen to what my husband had to say.
Sitting there together we signed out of our bank account and realized that giving this situation over to the Lord was what needed to happen. “Dear God, you know we have been struggling in this area, we can clearly see that we need guidance on this issue, we don’t like being in conflict with one another. Will you please help us? “
Within the first couple of months, the Lord started showing me how much I didn’t enjoy the responsibility of handling finances and how easy it was to relinquish the burden that my husband wanted to take from me. I no longer saw myself as a failing wife because I couldn’t handle finances. I remember the look of happiness in my husband’s eyes when he began getting us back on a good financial path, he wasn’t full of pride nor was he boastful either, which was in my mind what I thought he was trying to be. My husband has shown a tremendous amount of patience, love, and helpfulness. My marriage is in a good place today. Free from long term conflict because Tyler and I made the choice to not only trust, but cast our problems before the Lord and tune into how we are suppose to be there for each other, through the good and the bad. Although it took us a few years to recognize and seek the help me needed I know realize that working in unity was what we should have been doing to begin with.
Understanding that each marriage dynamic is different, can you relate to this story? In what ways? Are there other wife’s out there who tend to take on more of the responsibility within their marriage without having discussed it?